Journal entry 947 1/2:
For as long as I remember, I've struggled with insecurity. No one likes me. I'm not good enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not thin enough. Im not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not sane enough. I'm just....not enough.
I'm struggling with all of these right now. Ever since me and the ex Hubs called it quits for good back in January, I've felt awkward. I feel awkward because I don't have anyone by my side. Someone to define me. Someone to tell me who I'm supposed to be. To conform to someone's ways because I don't know my own.
I've never really been "single" before. Ever. Even before the whole dating gig, I had my parents telling me what to do. Making all my decisions, creating my every move.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel lost. I feel like I'm falling. I feel naked. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know who I am or what to do with myself. Who am I, because no one is telling me who to be. How to act. What to wear. What my day will consist of.
The naked truth is this and nothing less:
I'm highly codependent. I can and will chameleon myself into anyone or anything to suit any event, situation, surrounding, or person. Catalina absolutely does not know who Catalina is. I am a complete stranger to myself. What's going to have to happen is a crap load of self searching. The thought of this is terrifying. I may or may not like what or who I find. It could be fun though, to try new things, to act different ways, to try new friends, clothes, food, hobbies, EVERYTHING!
I'll wrap it up by motivating myself. For the first time in my 35 years, I'm going solo. I'm not interested in questing out with someone else. I do have a hesitating interest in finding my soul, though. My higher power has kept me safe from harm's way and from myself thus far and I know, I have to know, that he will bring me further. This quest isn't going to be easy and it sure the hell will be scary and uncomfortable, but it's something I have to do. To create myself, define myself, and love myself. To love the skin I'm in. Then and only then will I be able to give love and openly receive it.
This is so well written & I can relate to almost all of it. I have been on a self searching journey the last couple of years, and while it always hasn't been easy I have learned a lot & am now comfortable with who I am...for the most part, I still have some work to do. Know that you have my love & support through your journey.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your journey. Remember to notice the things you love. Also notice the things you don't love. Sometimes the stuff you don't love becomes an acquired taste. I hate to clean but love the results. If I spend a little time on the task everyday it's surmountable by the end of the week. Chip away at it a little at a time and you'll make big headway :)
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your journey. Remember to notice the things you love. Also notice the things you don't love. Sometimes the stuff you don't love becomes an acquired taste. I hate to clean but love the results. If I spend a little time on the task everyday it's surmountable by the end of the week. Chip away at it a little at a time and you'll make big headway :)
ReplyDelete