Sweet Slumber

So I have been having recurrent dreams about my x husband for well over 4 years now. It seems as though they started the day I was dismissed from his house. They come and go, but when they come, it is abundant. Sometimes they have his new wife in there, sometimes it's just him. Either way, there is still a great feeling of care wrapped around it and I feel welcome. Here lately, though, the wife has been no where around. He has either been all alone or with his daughter. The last 4 dreams were of his acceptance of me and pursuing to get back together with me. These dreams are lovely. Dreams that I do not want to wake up from. Yet they are dreams that leave me numb and bewildered. I usually don't speak after these dreams for my mind is still trapped in the solitude of him and I and never wanting to escape it. Which leaves me to one lingering question....Am I not over him like I thought I was? If not, how long will this grieving actually last? This is what I have learned on grieving...that there are several steps which are not linear; they cycle back and forth and you can stay in a couple of phases at the same time which can make up for a lot of craziness. Initially, the first is denial, next comes in the anger, ambivalence, depression, and last, the sense of quietness. I do know that I have shifted from all of these several times through the course of 4 1/2 years. Did you read that? FOUR AND A HALF YEARS!!!! To this, I am baffled, although it did take me approximately 7 years to "get over" my first divorce, although this one is much more debilitating to me. So just as I promised to ramble about random subjects, there it is. Am I acknowledging that I have gone bonkers and am weak and cannot let go of the past, therefore I need intensive therapy and close surveillance? No. This is a normal process. For some, it takes longer than the others and I just happen to be one of some. This too shall pass, but in the meantime....sweet dreams. :)

Until next time....

Attitude Adjustment

Change the way you think. Science clearly proves that our actions, the way we think about ourselves and others, and most everything we do is provoked by our subconscious. The subconscious mind lies outside your conscious mind. It has access to data information, and ideas outside your own experience. Your subconscious mind works 24 hours a day and it is the source of all examples of pure creativity, problem solving, and goal achievement. It is a magical part of your mind; the part of your mind where genius lies. If we tell ourselves we can do anything, we’re probably right. If we tell ourselves we can’t do anything, we are probably right. How do you think of yourself? Do you tell yourself that you’ve been through so much through this crazy life that there is no reason you can be anything you want? Little do you know, that is what your subconscious is thriving on. It’s all a matter of conditioning. You can train your mind to think positive thoughts the same way you can learn anything else. The way to do this is to remove any negative thoughts one at a time until there are none left. And for each negative thought that you remove, you then plant a new and positive thought in its place. You then nurture those positive thoughts until there is no room for any negative thoughts to grow. Then, make a habit of stopping a negative thought any time it appears and replacing it with a positive thought. For example, replace “I can’t do it” with “I can do it” and you’ll find your attitude and your life will greatly improve. Positive thoughts will lead you to success and it will help you find the true riches of life for yourself and your family. So whatever it is in life that you want, you must begin today to become a “positive thinker.” Once you do this, your future success will be unlimited.  I myself have heard many people tell me that I would amount to nothing and that my attitude with myself and others would get me no where in life. I’ve heard so much name calling, disappointment, and purely hateful words. After a while, the bad things become easier to believe and the good, well they are unimaginable. Therefore, conditioning the mind and self therapy is very understandable. Think of it as this; you fall and hurt your knee. The doctor suggests physical therapy to get back up and running again. It works the same way with the human mind. You get hurt, whether it is from another person or the things you lead yourself to believe. The initial suggestion would be to do conditioning and mental therapy to get you back up and running again. Positive thinking is good for the mind, body and soul. Change your attitude!


Until next time....

A path. Mine has glass and I'm barefooted...

All of us need to believe that we are loved and lovable. We began life with confidence on both points, bathed in a mother's love and swaddled in our own innocence. Love was never in question, but over time our certainty clouded. When you look at yourself today, can you still make the two statements every infant could if it had the words?

I am completely loved.
I am completely lovable.

Few people can, for looking at yourself honestly you see flaws that make you less than completely lovable and less than perfectly loved. In many ways this seems right to you, for perfect love is supposedly not of this world. Yet in a deeper sense, what you call flaws are really just the scars of hurts and wounds accumulated over a lifetime. When you look in the mirror, you think you are looking at yourself realistically, but your mirror doesn't reveal the truth that endures despite all hurt:

In a way it is amazing that you do not realize this, because underneath everything you think and feel, innocence is still intact. Time cannot blemish your essence, your portion of spirit. But if you lose sight of this essence, you will mistake yourself for your experiences, and there is no doubt that experience can do much to obliterate love. In an often hostile and brutal world, maintaining innocence seems impossible. Therefore, you find yourself experiencing only so much love and only so much lovability.

This can change.

Love can heal.
Love can renew.
Love can make us safe.
Love can inspire us with its power.
Love can bring us closer to God.

Everything love is meant to do is possible. Knowing this, however, has only made the gap between love and non-love more painful.

Countless people have experienced love--as pleasure, sex, security, having someone else fulfill their daily needs--without seeing that a special path has opened to them. Socially, the "normal" cycle of love is simply to find a suitable partner, marry, and raise a family. But this social pattern isn't a path, because the experience of marriage and raising a family isn't automatically spiritual. Sad to say, many people enter lifelong relationships in which love fades over time or provides lasting companionship without growing in its inner dimension. A spiritual path has only one reason to exist: it shows the way for the soul to grow. As it grows, more of spiritual truth is revealed, more of the soul's promise is redeemed. When you find your path, you will also find your love story. People today are consumed by doubts about their relationships: Have I found the right partner? Am I being true to myself? Have I given the best part of myself away? As a result, there is a restless kind of consumer shopping for partners, as if the "right" one can be found by toting up a potential mate's pluses and minuses until the number of pluses matches some mythical standard. The path to love, however, is never about externals. However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside. Our culture hasn't taught us this (as it has failed to teach us so much about spiritual realities). When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within. The path to love therefore clears up a monumental mistake that millions of people make--the mistake that someone out there is going to give (or take) something that is not already yours. When you truly find love, you find yourself.

Therefore the path to love isn't a choice, for all of us must find out who we are. This is our spiritual destiny. The path can be postponed; you can lose faith in it or even despair that love exists at all. None of that is permanent; only the path is. Doubt reflects the ego, which is bound in time and space; love reflects God, eternal divine essence. The ultimate promise on the path to love is that you will walk in the light of a truth extending beyond any truth your mind presently knows.

Until next time....

Natural birth or lab test

Have YOU ever wondered this or am I the only one? Being I don't know my biological mother or where I came from, it's easier for me to believe I was created in a lab. lol. You know how they say, "The apple didn't fall far from the tree" when referring a child to a parent? I often ponder what tree I fell from. Growing up, I seemed normal. I was a very good child. Probably the best one could ask for. Independent, self sufficient, obedient, and very intelligent. I did have a troubled brother who my parents dealt hours, days and years with and I, well, sat comfortably in my own little world never to cause trouble. I did get into trouble...don't misinterpret that. I had it made growing up. I pretty much got most of what I wanted on a silver platter and was fed from a silver spoon. I asked for nothing, but still I received it. All of this sounds dandy, doesn't it? I think it was from the moment my parents sat me down and explained that I was adopted...which my brother told me first and didn't believe him...you know how brothers are...that I felt "different." I think that was the exact moment that I started to question who I was and that maybe my whole life had been a lie. I continued on, though. Excelling greatly in school with a 3.9gpa, a 1480 on my SAT, and scoring a whopping 143 on an IQ test...only to drop out in the 11th grade because it was "boring." Getting back to the original subject here, being I'm rambling like I promised, I have always felt out of place. Having the thought process exceedingly different than others whom I deemed "normal." I have been classified as crazy, nuts, bonkers, unique, different, etc. These things really hurt when people say it, but in my mind, I can't blame them. Yes, I know my hamster runs backward in it's wheel upstairs. I have even come up with my own saying about myself. "It takes a while to get to know me, but a lifetime to understand me." I am full of complexity, perplexity, and have the deepest thoughts that make people put on a deer in the headlights face. In sorts, I kinda like it. It's kinda fun at times, but like I said, it's hurtful at times...but I get used to it. So here we are, back again at the topic...Natural birth or lab test? Well, I've always thought lab test, and sometimes I still do whenever I don't even "get" myself, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am uniquely designed by my Creator for a specific reason. What that reason is, I'm still unsure of...yes at 32 years young. He had something on his mind and still does. Finding that something is what is in process.

Until next time....