My new quest

Journal entry 947 1/2:

For as long as I remember, I've struggled with insecurity. No one likes me. I'm not good enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not thin enough. Im not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not sane enough. I'm just....not enough.

I'm struggling with all of these right now. Ever since me and the ex Hubs called it quits for good back in January, I've felt awkward. I feel awkward because I don't have anyone by my side. Someone to define me. Someone to tell me who I'm supposed to be. To conform to someone's ways because I don't know my own.

I've never really been "single" before. Ever. Even before the whole dating gig, I had my parents telling me what to do. Making all my decisions, creating my every move.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel lost. I feel like I'm falling. I feel naked. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know who I am or what to do with myself. Who am I, because no one is telling me who to be. How to act. What to wear. What my day will consist of.

The naked truth is this and nothing less:
I'm highly codependent.  I can and will chameleon myself into anyone or anything to suit any event, situation, surrounding, or person. Catalina absolutely does not know who Catalina is. I am a complete stranger to myself. What's going to have to happen is a crap load of self searching. The thought of this is terrifying. I may or may not like what or who I find. It could be fun though, to try new things, to act different ways, to try new friends, clothes, food, hobbies, EVERYTHING!

I'll wrap it up by motivating myself. For the first time in my 35 years, I'm going solo. I'm not interested in questing out with someone else. I do have a hesitating interest in finding my soul, though. My higher power has kept me safe from harm's way and from myself thus far and I know, I have to know, that he will bring me further. This quest isn't going to be easy and it sure the hell will be scary and uncomfortable, but it's something I have to do. To create myself, define myself, and love myself. To love the skin I'm in. Then and only then will I be able to give love and openly receive it.

What I really want to say is....

Today, things suddenly started looking up for me. This simple thing called a "job interview" landed in my lap. I have been filling out applications online and sending in resumes like crazy...whether I qualify or not. Having an interview, well, it's just an interview. However, it's a start. It shows that I tried and it shows that there is progress.

Let's go back to the past 2 weeks:
Bedtime. Naptime. I can't sleep. Shaking ever so violently from nervousness. So nervous I could puke. Biting peoples heads off for just looking at me. Feeling angry. Being angry. Wanting to either go out into the back yard with a shovel and bury myself and become non existent or to just flat out die.

A girl of many masks. I have a mask for a party. I have a mask to go out to eat. I have a mask for my AA meetings. I have different masks for each and every one of my friends. A mask for home. A mask for the soon to be ex husband. A mask for the children. You get the point? All of these masks cover up what I have been feeling. What do I feel? Here we go....

I've been putting on a façade that I am okay. I have been laughing, cheerful, helpful, concerned, outgoing, free spirited, open minded. That's only the way that I appear to other people. That's the only side I let people see. It's been embedded into my brain and in my soul that I cannot show weakness. I cannot let people see me when I'm down. Catalina doesn't become weak. She must remain strong at all times. She is not allowed to cry. This is what I've been taught since childhood.

The real and raw truth is this:
I'm fucking dying inside. I'm scared. I'm wondering if it's actually possible to die from a broken heart. I'm petrified to start over...or to even START! I don't feel good enough. I (sometimes) just want to die. I have thoughts of doing myself in. Hell, the other night, I envisioned myself opening a vein for the sheer fact that I didn't have a car. For the sheer fact that I don't have a job. For the sheer fact that I'm back at mommy and daddy's house at the age of 35. I'm pissed that the soon to be ex hubs got a new (to him) car. That his son has been placed with him and I'm not a part of it. THAT was supposed to by MY life, but it's not and I have to accept that I made the decision to free myself from a toxic marriage that I've been miserable in since the day after I said "I do."  I feel hopeless and I just want to go away.

What the hell keeps me going? Why/HOW the hell am I still sober after so many low spots in my recovery? Wouldn't I be, wasn't I before better off than I am now? No, I really wasn't. Today, I have to feel this shit. Today I have to identify, feel, address, and find a solution to that feeling of wanting to die. To go away. To give up. To go get in the bed not giving one fuck about anything and just sleeping my life away.

I'm dying inside and I have a lump in my throat at all times. I make myself physically ill. I hear shatter of my heart more and more every day. There is something that keeps me going though. Something more powerful than my weak and merciless self. Something that knows that this door has shut and there is something beyond my wildest imagination out there just waiting for me if I just get the fuck up and take a step outside. If I make a phone call. If I talk to someone. There is something in me which is on fire to keep thriving. To keep living. To keep on keeping on. Besides my higher power (whom I choose to call God) there is something so incredibly strong within myself which won't let me give the fuck up.

What am I going to do about it? I'm going to nourish that small little voice inside me which says "Keep Going! We're not done!" I'm going to feed it. Water it. Love it. Listen to it. I'm going to make that little bastard (the voice) so strong that it will no longer whisper, but it will scream. There comes a time in life when the bullshit stops. Where the wallowing in self pity stops. Where you realize that if you want something, you've got to get the hell up and get it. When you get to the point where you're sick and tired of being so damn sick and tired.

I have arrived.

Sweet Slumber

So I have been having recurrent dreams about my x husband for well over 4 years now. It seems as though they started the day I was dismissed from his house. They come and go, but when they come, it is abundant. Sometimes they have his new wife in there, sometimes it's just him. Either way, there is still a great feeling of care wrapped around it and I feel welcome. Here lately, though, the wife has been no where around. He has either been all alone or with his daughter. The last 4 dreams were of his acceptance of me and pursuing to get back together with me. These dreams are lovely. Dreams that I do not want to wake up from. Yet they are dreams that leave me numb and bewildered. I usually don't speak after these dreams for my mind is still trapped in the solitude of him and I and never wanting to escape it. Which leaves me to one lingering question....Am I not over him like I thought I was? If not, how long will this grieving actually last? This is what I have learned on grieving...that there are several steps which are not linear; they cycle back and forth and you can stay in a couple of phases at the same time which can make up for a lot of craziness. Initially, the first is denial, next comes in the anger, ambivalence, depression, and last, the sense of quietness. I do know that I have shifted from all of these several times through the course of 4 1/2 years. Did you read that? FOUR AND A HALF YEARS!!!! To this, I am baffled, although it did take me approximately 7 years to "get over" my first divorce, although this one is much more debilitating to me. So just as I promised to ramble about random subjects, there it is. Am I acknowledging that I have gone bonkers and am weak and cannot let go of the past, therefore I need intensive therapy and close surveillance? No. This is a normal process. For some, it takes longer than the others and I just happen to be one of some. This too shall pass, but in the meantime....sweet dreams. :)

Until next time....

Attitude Adjustment

Change the way you think. Science clearly proves that our actions, the way we think about ourselves and others, and most everything we do is provoked by our subconscious. The subconscious mind lies outside your conscious mind. It has access to data information, and ideas outside your own experience. Your subconscious mind works 24 hours a day and it is the source of all examples of pure creativity, problem solving, and goal achievement. It is a magical part of your mind; the part of your mind where genius lies. If we tell ourselves we can do anything, we’re probably right. If we tell ourselves we can’t do anything, we are probably right. How do you think of yourself? Do you tell yourself that you’ve been through so much through this crazy life that there is no reason you can be anything you want? Little do you know, that is what your subconscious is thriving on. It’s all a matter of conditioning. You can train your mind to think positive thoughts the same way you can learn anything else. The way to do this is to remove any negative thoughts one at a time until there are none left. And for each negative thought that you remove, you then plant a new and positive thought in its place. You then nurture those positive thoughts until there is no room for any negative thoughts to grow. Then, make a habit of stopping a negative thought any time it appears and replacing it with a positive thought. For example, replace “I can’t do it” with “I can do it” and you’ll find your attitude and your life will greatly improve. Positive thoughts will lead you to success and it will help you find the true riches of life for yourself and your family. So whatever it is in life that you want, you must begin today to become a “positive thinker.” Once you do this, your future success will be unlimited.  I myself have heard many people tell me that I would amount to nothing and that my attitude with myself and others would get me no where in life. I’ve heard so much name calling, disappointment, and purely hateful words. After a while, the bad things become easier to believe and the good, well they are unimaginable. Therefore, conditioning the mind and self therapy is very understandable. Think of it as this; you fall and hurt your knee. The doctor suggests physical therapy to get back up and running again. It works the same way with the human mind. You get hurt, whether it is from another person or the things you lead yourself to believe. The initial suggestion would be to do conditioning and mental therapy to get you back up and running again. Positive thinking is good for the mind, body and soul. Change your attitude!


Until next time....

A path. Mine has glass and I'm barefooted...

All of us need to believe that we are loved and lovable. We began life with confidence on both points, bathed in a mother's love and swaddled in our own innocence. Love was never in question, but over time our certainty clouded. When you look at yourself today, can you still make the two statements every infant could if it had the words?

I am completely loved.
I am completely lovable.

Few people can, for looking at yourself honestly you see flaws that make you less than completely lovable and less than perfectly loved. In many ways this seems right to you, for perfect love is supposedly not of this world. Yet in a deeper sense, what you call flaws are really just the scars of hurts and wounds accumulated over a lifetime. When you look in the mirror, you think you are looking at yourself realistically, but your mirror doesn't reveal the truth that endures despite all hurt:

In a way it is amazing that you do not realize this, because underneath everything you think and feel, innocence is still intact. Time cannot blemish your essence, your portion of spirit. But if you lose sight of this essence, you will mistake yourself for your experiences, and there is no doubt that experience can do much to obliterate love. In an often hostile and brutal world, maintaining innocence seems impossible. Therefore, you find yourself experiencing only so much love and only so much lovability.

This can change.

Love can heal.
Love can renew.
Love can make us safe.
Love can inspire us with its power.
Love can bring us closer to God.

Everything love is meant to do is possible. Knowing this, however, has only made the gap between love and non-love more painful.

Countless people have experienced love--as pleasure, sex, security, having someone else fulfill their daily needs--without seeing that a special path has opened to them. Socially, the "normal" cycle of love is simply to find a suitable partner, marry, and raise a family. But this social pattern isn't a path, because the experience of marriage and raising a family isn't automatically spiritual. Sad to say, many people enter lifelong relationships in which love fades over time or provides lasting companionship without growing in its inner dimension. A spiritual path has only one reason to exist: it shows the way for the soul to grow. As it grows, more of spiritual truth is revealed, more of the soul's promise is redeemed. When you find your path, you will also find your love story. People today are consumed by doubts about their relationships: Have I found the right partner? Am I being true to myself? Have I given the best part of myself away? As a result, there is a restless kind of consumer shopping for partners, as if the "right" one can be found by toting up a potential mate's pluses and minuses until the number of pluses matches some mythical standard. The path to love, however, is never about externals. However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside. Our culture hasn't taught us this (as it has failed to teach us so much about spiritual realities). When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within. The path to love therefore clears up a monumental mistake that millions of people make--the mistake that someone out there is going to give (or take) something that is not already yours. When you truly find love, you find yourself.

Therefore the path to love isn't a choice, for all of us must find out who we are. This is our spiritual destiny. The path can be postponed; you can lose faith in it or even despair that love exists at all. None of that is permanent; only the path is. Doubt reflects the ego, which is bound in time and space; love reflects God, eternal divine essence. The ultimate promise on the path to love is that you will walk in the light of a truth extending beyond any truth your mind presently knows.

Until next time....

Natural birth or lab test

Have YOU ever wondered this or am I the only one? Being I don't know my biological mother or where I came from, it's easier for me to believe I was created in a lab. lol. You know how they say, "The apple didn't fall far from the tree" when referring a child to a parent? I often ponder what tree I fell from. Growing up, I seemed normal. I was a very good child. Probably the best one could ask for. Independent, self sufficient, obedient, and very intelligent. I did have a troubled brother who my parents dealt hours, days and years with and I, well, sat comfortably in my own little world never to cause trouble. I did get into trouble...don't misinterpret that. I had it made growing up. I pretty much got most of what I wanted on a silver platter and was fed from a silver spoon. I asked for nothing, but still I received it. All of this sounds dandy, doesn't it? I think it was from the moment my parents sat me down and explained that I was adopted...which my brother told me first and didn't believe him...you know how brothers are...that I felt "different." I think that was the exact moment that I started to question who I was and that maybe my whole life had been a lie. I continued on, though. Excelling greatly in school with a 3.9gpa, a 1480 on my SAT, and scoring a whopping 143 on an IQ test...only to drop out in the 11th grade because it was "boring." Getting back to the original subject here, being I'm rambling like I promised, I have always felt out of place. Having the thought process exceedingly different than others whom I deemed "normal." I have been classified as crazy, nuts, bonkers, unique, different, etc. These things really hurt when people say it, but in my mind, I can't blame them. Yes, I know my hamster runs backward in it's wheel upstairs. I have even come up with my own saying about myself. "It takes a while to get to know me, but a lifetime to understand me." I am full of complexity, perplexity, and have the deepest thoughts that make people put on a deer in the headlights face. In sorts, I kinda like it. It's kinda fun at times, but like I said, it's hurtful at times...but I get used to it. So here we are, back again at the topic...Natural birth or lab test? Well, I've always thought lab test, and sometimes I still do whenever I don't even "get" myself, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am uniquely designed by my Creator for a specific reason. What that reason is, I'm still unsure of...yes at 32 years young. He had something on his mind and still does. Finding that something is what is in process.

Until next time....